take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
