Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
