Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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