you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
