I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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