I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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