Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
