she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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