i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
