Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
