I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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