God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
