Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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