My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
