That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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