just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
