How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
