you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
