I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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