I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
