I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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