Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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