i think i have two assholes
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
