he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
