he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize