I'm eating all of the evidence.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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