He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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