I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
