The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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