I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
