In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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