soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
