so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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