Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
