i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Are my feet made of real feet?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize