I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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