Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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