Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
it's like iHOP with fire
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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