In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
