you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just gargled with NyQuil
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
