dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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