it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
