We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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