Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
