OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
if only i could text you this smell
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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