I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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