a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
