Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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