So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
