Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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