moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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