During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
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