gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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