Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
