It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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