don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
what day is it and did you see me today?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
