she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
