apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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