Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
