Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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