I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
