i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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